Elanor put those boots back on........

Ok so im back.  I spent this weekend at my daddys house and it was just the two of us.  My step mom went to Indianapollis to visit her dad so me and my dad just hung out and ate junk food.  This weekend was kind of all about relaxation, yoga, and meditation.  I spent like 2 days in the hottub, im still a prune.  Even though I was trying to relax I couldn't help but think about everything going on in my life right now.  Somebody said the word "love" to me and I thought I was going to die,  I can't explain how much I took offense to that.  I have been told that I am loved so many times by people who didn't mean it at all soo I take high offense to things like that.  I thought about everything and how I am making myself miserable.  I do everthing at all the wrong times and with all of the wrong people.  I don't understand it, once again I feel so hurt and alone and unloved.  Last night I was in my room all alone and I just started to cry,  I curled myself into a ball and cried for 3 hours.  Im just so confused and so hurt that it almost feels like old wounds have been re open and had salt poored into them.  This morning I was up at 4 am and I looked in the mirror and I couldn't beleive what I saw........it wasn't me anymore.....it was a girl........sad...alone.....and scared.....so I started to cry again.  No matter what I do I am never good enough as others....im not.....they are always a trillion times better.  Who could ever love me??  Who??  I can't even love me.  I got home today and it felt somewhat odd, it didn't feel like home....I felt like such an outsider.  I talked to my cousin and she is going to take me to this huge renissanse camp thingy in Ohio and I get to wear a costume and everthing so that is going to be fun.  I am so confused no,  I only wish that I could tell everone all of my story but I fear being called selfish or pathetic so I will just keep that to myself.