To everyone I am just a fat and ugly chick with bad skin.  People don't know me and yet they judge me.  I don't talk to people outside of "my crew" because I am afraid of being shot down as I have been many times.  Everytime someone asks me out I say no because I think that it is just a stupid joke.  When I found out that someone was going out with someone that I liked I was ready to breakdown and cry.  Im not good enough for anyone and I never have been.  Everyone automaticly assumes that I am a slut or a whore but im not.  I sick of people telling me that I look pretty when I know that they are lying about it.  Then people say "I like you as a friend but not as a girl friend".  Jacob said that I should "tone it down" and then people would like me but im not going to change myself to make other people fine and dandy.  Everyday at school I have to put on an act.  I act like im happy and funny and aparently people seem to by it.  Oh and then Jacob says that I shouldn't be happy about being ok with myself, some great friends I have rite?  I can't take it anymore.  Everything I say and do is being monitored and judged and then people lie to me.  Sometimes I don't go to school just because i don't want to have to look people in the eye and be reminded or how worthless and stupid I am.  Some of my distress is probably caused by the fact that I have to beg for attention at home,  my dad has a deadly virus and is devorced from my mom, and my brother left me for no reason at all.  Im so used to being abandoned and alone and making jokes about it but deep down inside when I laugh, im really trying to cry.  Like I have said before, life is a bitch and so am I.

~Rach

-please don't reply, I just needed to get it out.