Well, hello world.  Today was okay.  I was on the run all day long and I went like everywhere.  I got up early to watch my sisters for awhile so my mom and step dad could go out.  When they got home I had to go and so my mom and I left.........we were gone all day and all we did was fight.  She thinks im way to high maintnence.  Am I too high maintnence?  Then we came home and I made everybody diner without catching anything on fire!!!  So we ate and stuff and here I am now.  Im bored, really bored.  Any sugestions on what to do with all of this spare time??  thanx guys....love all of you.

oh, what do you guys think of my new pic?  scary huh? 

Today was very very nice.  My mom and I didn't fight too much and she took me to get a peticure.  The guy that did my peticure was really hott and really funny....it was like a 2 hour long pedicure....he rubbed all the way up my legs until he found out that I was only 14!!!  After that my mom took me out to dinner.  And then I went to my aunts house to visit the family for awhile and everybody there is doing good.  Nicole whats going on?  Are we like friends or not??  I feel like I am somehow hated now, it is soo weird.  I stayed up late last night and watched a ton of movies like team america which I saw 2 PUPPETS have sex, it was so fucking funny!!!!  I hope all is back to normal now but somehow I fear it isn't.  I have 10 hours of community service to do in the next week so I will be really really busy with that.  Anyhoo...ill talk to ya'll later, maybe. 

much love,

rach

Early this morning I learned that my mom was messing around on my buddy list and IMing everybody and acting like she was me.  So if Sweetyella91 im'd you between the hours of 11am-12pm IT WAS NOT ME.  My mom also checks my e-mail so that is why I have like 5 accounts that she dosn't know about.  LOL.  Sorry if anybody was confused or anything.  Ill try to update later. If any of you here want to send me an e-mail please send it to Dewthedew180@yahoo.com.

Much love, the one, the only,

rach

Right now I am at a point in my life where I am changing.  I am really inmature and stupid now but it is time to grow up.  So many people are fake in this world.  There are people who act like they are your friends when you are with them but then when you are apart all they do is talk behind your back.  I used to be one of those fake people and I can't be that anymore.  I don't know where im going in my life and I hope it is good.  Im leaving this place soon and I just kind of wanted to say goodbye while I can. 

I know that this song is really really cheesy but right now it explains me and maybe people can understand me if they read it.  So this can help some of you out if you really really don't understand me, here is the song title (that should say it all):

"I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman"

If anybody has anything mean to say to me don't even waist your breath.  Im sick and tierd of fighting and im sick of trusting people who don't even care about me.  Quit lying to me because it is common sense to not do things that you will regret. 

"true friends stab you in the front"

love and hate,

rach

Today was okay.  I was really supper dupper busy so sry if I was suppost to call some of you and I didn't.  I cleaned my room pretty much all day long.....and im not done yet.  Then I took my sisters to the park on Durham.....and im like a kid so that is fun to me too!!!  Then when we came home I continued to clean my room which is oh so FUN!!!!   Oh yeah and im suppost to get my hair cut soon, I think ill chop it all off.....omg, I might go goth again like I was in 5th and 6th grade.

quote of the day:

"if looks could kill, you'd be a murderer"

l8ter alligators.

Well today was fun.  I went to the beach and swam (thats what your suppost to do) and then I laid out of like 2 hours and got a very nice tan!!!!  I saw lots of "big" girls wearing bikinis....they were bigger than me!!!  So I was wondering why don't I wear a bikini?  My boobs kept popping out of my swim suit.......again.  Boobs are not a blessing.......they are so fricking annoying.  Then my mom and I started fighting AGAIN and that lasted all day so now I am supposidly on "grounded" mode but they never really take it seriosly, neiter do I.  My cousin may be coming to visit tommorow so that is really exciting cos she is really awesome.   Josh is leaving for band camp, im gonna cry.....this sucks lol. 

love always,

rach

once again my title has nothing to do with my blog intry.....I just like coming up with goofy things like that.  I got up really early this morning and I don't know why.  I watched MTV for a while and then got up.  I don't know what im going to do today but as always, I will find somthing completely ramdom to do.  I think I might go buy a cot.........see that was completely random.  Im going to be very bored for the next couple of days.  I did some yoga this morning and I went into a downward dog possition and I cracked my back.....OUCH!!!  Im seriosly thinking about quiting yoga....I just can't stretch like that!!!!  Do any of you do yoga??  I really don't have anything else to write about.  I think ill go out to the pier and take pictures today....like I do when I get bored.  I have 5 portfolios full of pictures just from the pier.  I need to find a new spot to start taking pictures even though I love the lighthouse and everything.  I got my bike fixed, finally and I did it all on my own.  So anyways, I may not be posting again today just because I probably won't feel like it.  I still have to clean my room, I can't even walk in there anymore.  lol.  Love you all dearly.

the one, the only,

rach

I thought that summer vacation was suppost to be boring and relaxing.  I have been sooooooo unbelievably busy.  There is just so much to do in so little time and it is driving me mad!!!  It is weird though because I love being busy and not having much time to just sit around and be lazy.  I start working next week...it is a hard job (emotionally) but I think I can handle it.  I am now officially completely drained.  Summer Celebration is going on now and I went to the Los Lonely Boys concert last night(the bass player is soo hott!!).  I don't think im going tonight, I think ill stay home and rest.  Im always on the go.  Im here there and everywhere these days.  I havn't talked to people in a really long time, and that is weird for me.  Time is going by so slow but it seems like I am doing so much with my time.  My mom is thinking about taking my nephews in now.......that means that I will have 4 other kids to compete with attention for attention from my parents 1 of them could take me down with a pinkie.  Im such a weakling and I thought 2 was hard enough.  I want to take in the other 2 kids and everything but it would be soo hard on me and our bank accounts.  I hope I don't sound selfish but I really don't think I personally could handle having 2 more brothers expeccily since my parents are older....im practiclly like a 2nd mom to my 2 sisters.  Everything is just so goofy right now. *sigh*.  Ill update more later but I have to go.

love always,

rach

I have a major major throbing headache right now.  I have been gone from 9:30 this morning til now.  Im seriosly never home anymore.  When I got home I had 15 missed calls!!!  I wish that I could see everybody and stuff but I am just so damn busy.  I don't even remember the last time I slept in my own bed.  I don't know what tommorow holds for me but I know somthing will eventually pop up.......regardless of what it is I will do it.  My mommy instincs have started kicking in, I don't know what it is.  We were in toys-r-us today and I walked down the baby isle and all of a sudden I wanted to be sombodys mommy....so therefore I probably will become a mom.......not now but in the future.  Maybe all of this extra responsibility crap is doing somthing to me....it makes me want to care for sombody.  I have been everywhere in the past couple of weeks..im ready for a rest.  I havn't been to my dads in a really long time, the sideffects keep getting worse after every shot so he just isn't feeling good at all.  I have been going to summer celebration and stuff and just a bunch of other stuff.  I feel a lot more mature now, it is very weird.  Im going to go to bed now....wherever it may be.  Love you with all my heart.

the one, the only,

rach

First of all Jake is pissed at me but I guess the that dosn't matter because I am pissed at him too.  Josh is still at band camp :( and I even called him Sat. thinking that he was home.  I miss Nicole a ton and I got to talk to her today.  All of my other friends I havn't talked to in a really really long time...but I am working on hanging out with them more often.  I am busy as hell and I work an 8 hour shift tommorow.  Happy 4th of July everybody!!!  Im partying tonight because I have the night off :).  Well, that is about it..........l8ter.

love always,

rach

I am so tierd, so confused, and so fricking PMS'ing.  Today I didn't have to go to work because my supervisor dude called in sick.  I feel really bad now and im ready to call Jacob and appologize for all of the shit I said yesterday...but I am afraid he will be all pissy with me and stuff or he is busy or somthing.  I don't know what I feel like now........it is really freaky, I can't explain it without people laughing hysterically at me.  I really really need a nap and some pamprin or somthing so that I don't start chopping off peoples heads.  BEWARE OF THE WRATH OF RACHEL *ROAR*.  Anyways,  I will try to update later but if I don't I just want ya'll to know that I love you soooooooo much even if I am a complete bitch to you.........sorry.

I know I have probably tried to explain this story like 1,000,000 times but I think it comes to a close now:

I have been friends with Nicole for about 1 1/2 years.  I have been friends with Jacob for like 1 year.  The two of them started going out this year and fell completely in love with each other!!!  I have had a crush on Jacob ever since I met him basicly, how can you not like him?!  Nicole found out that I liked Jacob and that Jacob liked me on and off.  I wanted to keep everything cool with Nicole so I decided to go all psyco bitchy and get Jacob mad at me so that we wouldn't be friends anymore.  I thought that doing that would make everybody happy and at ease but I think it has done the exact opposite well except for a few people.  I can't help but feel really bad now because we arn't friends and he is probably all HAPPY about it.  Maybe all of this happened for a reason.  I havn't smiled in a really long time.  I feel horrible because I don't hate Jacob.......I don't hate anybody.  I cried about it and I cried about it some more.  Then I got mad about it and beat up my body pillow.  Then I cried some more.  Then I went to my mommy and cried some more.  Then here I am now and I don't know what to do or say.......im empty.

Meet my 2 new best friends:

Ben & Jerry

You can meet them in the freezer isle of your local grocery store.

Today I had to work at the drop in center again.  I still have about 5 more hours of services to do until im done but I may continue helping out there after im done with my service project.  Anyways, my job is so fucking easy.  All I have to do is hang stuff, sort stuff, organize stuff, clean stuff, and hang out.  You really do meet really interesting people in really interesting places........these people are so awesome.  I love hard work but today I would have loved being anywhere else at times.  I am already exausted and ready for bed and it is only 5:30!!!  I have had a sudden intrest in social work again.  I hate working in places where there are a bunch of rich white people that think they are better than everyone and only volenteer for tax breaks.  I love diverse places where the only reason people are there is to better themselves and their community.  I had a very good day.  Infact I am just really happy right now.  I feel so accomplished.  I did so much today without realizing it.  Even though im all happy and stuff.....a nap does sound really really good right now.

love always,

rach

ps: 

 Dear Jacob,

I've learned that all a person really has is friends and family.  If you loose those, you have nothing, so friends are to be treasured more than anything else in the world.

(Trey Parker and Matt Stone)

And a nice quote to leave you all with:

Mistakes are all a part of being human.  Appriciate your mistakes for what they are:  precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way.  Unless it is a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.

(Al Franken)

the one, the only, not the dew,

rach

Late last night I thought of somthing that seemed so absolutely right on:

we make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give

what do you guys/gals think?

love always,

rachel

Today was great.  I worked from 12-8 but still had fun.  Today I learned how to put a condom on properly....we used penis models.  It was so fun.  I may be starting my OWN sex education program!!!!  This whole volenteering thing has opened up sooooo many doors for me, I love it.  I ran into Mr. Boyd today in Meijer and told him about the peer educating/sex educator thing and he just kind of laughed at me.  He was a really awesome teacher even though I sucked at his class.  I also got some female condoms and a 5 pack is $10, that is really expensive compared to the normal latex ones.  So, if anybody has any sex questions or whatever feel free to IM me:  Sweetyella91.  Everything you ask me is confidencial so it will be like it never happened.  Im so happy.  Im acctaully doing somthing GOOD with my life and I acctaully LOVE it.  Maybe I will acctaully be somthing someday.  Well, much love to all of you.  xoxoxoxox

good quote:  Nobody knows how to really live until they face death.

the one, the only, not the dew,

rach

WHOLLY SHIZ!!!!  I have strep throat.  I was suppost to be somewhat immune to it but I GOT IT ANYWAY!!!!  I had a 1 in 100 chace of getting it and I got it.  It hurts but im suppost to be able to go back to work tommorow.  Even the doctor was like really surprised.  He nicknamed me the miracle strep girl.  Now they think that I have quit responding to all antibiotics and that my body is resisting .........that is kind of scary but oh well, im not dead yet.  Well, g2g take a nap.

love you all,

rach

Two of my closest friends are having issues and I can't beleive it.  I can't imagine what both of them are thinking.  I personally take the blame and I don't know why.  I feel so horrible about the whole thing.....I feel so horrible for my friend.  I only wish that I could take the pain directly for her so that she wouldn't have to suffer and to be there for her and give her my words of inspiration.....but I can't, Im 3 hours away (in Detroit) from both of them.  I don't know what to think...every time I think of somthing it changes.  I don't know what to think of him right now because I don't know what he is going thourough and I want to know so that I can help both of them.  I can't beleive it happened.   All of this seems like one big nightmare. I don't know what to do and I feel as if I should know.  I don't know why he did it.  I thought he loved her.  How could I be decieved.  Im never decieved.  I always know when sombody is lying, how could this happen?  Why now?  I love them both so much and now there is nothing I can do to ease their pain.

with my heart and all of me,

rach

I get stressed out so easily and so do many other people without really realizing it.  Every body should find a way to get rid of some of there stress.........I go out into my car and play "bohemian rapsody" and sing it at the top of my lungs....that ALWAYS makes me feel a bit better even if it is just for a moment.  Well, im confused and stressed and everything else right now so im goning to go out in my car and sing "bohemian rapsody" at the top of my lungs. 

Forevermore

 I don’t know why

But you make me cry

No matter what you do

I almost feel as if I should die

It is I who committed the crime

It was all my fault without a doubt

I didn’t know what to think

Now the tears rush down my face

Turn into ice and freeze me to my bone

I look up and say “help me ma’am”

But she just keeps walking and doesn’t give a damn

I’m happy when you’re not on my mind

Although I have nothing to hide behind

I can’t say what I feel or else I shall die

To everybody I love….please say goodbye

I can’t believe how I felt that way

I surely do disserve to pay

I can’t take the pain anymore

So this is my goodbye….forevermore

mad love,

rach

What is the point in trusting someone when you know they will betray you?

I had the stupid "baby think it over" doll yesterday and may I just say that that was absolutely HELL!!!  Anywho, I finally got rid of it today after it had had me up all night.  I had to vollenteer at the old folks home today for their little ice cream social.  It was lots of fun.  I was working at the game tent and it was fun because the kids were all really cool.  I don't know why but im not good with babys yet older kids seem to just adore me.  I would help them win at the games so that they could get cooler prizes and I would let them squirt me with the little rubber duckies for 50 cents a pop.  Then it started raining so we had to pack everything up and put it inside but ofcourse......I danced in the rain for awhile and did the happy dance for some people.  I met a couple hot guys (volenteers) and it was just fantastic. 

"you don't know what sombody is feeling until you, yourself experience it"

much love,

rach

Today I went dress shopping at the mall.  I never ever would have thought that I would look good in a dress but WHOLLY SHIZ!!!  I tried on like 10 of them and I only liked a couple.  My breasts are too small for the stapless dresses yet they are too big for the ones with straps, so what am I to do?  I do look pretty good in halter top type dresses with frilly little bottoms.  Im so excited about all of the upcoming high school dances even though that is a little while away.  I won't go to dances unless I have a date though, any takers?  Well, that is all I did today. 

Ps:  Josh, what did you want to talk to me about?

love always,

rach

I did delete my last post :yippee:.  It was just me kind of rambling on about things.  Anyhoo,  I have been struck with devistating news today....Sami my foster sister is being returned to her biological parents next month.  I can't beleive it.  I really thought that they would stay with us forever.  I feel so horrible about it and im just horrified because I know that they will not be taken care of.  They have been with us for over a year now and I hate to admit that I have become very very attatched to them as if they were my own children.  I will miss them so much that the thought of them leaving makes me want to cry.  I just can't beleive how the courts have failed these beautiful innocent children.  Now, 2 little girls that I have come to love are going to be sent back to live with 2 drug addicted, bitchy ass, monsters who live in a trailer park.  I love them so much and I know that they are just going to be hurt and there is absolutely nothing  I can do.  Once again im going to have to go through intensive therapy but that is not half as bad as the future that these wonderful children are going to have to face.  Oh dammit im crying.

love always,

rachel

All I really fear is fear itself, the fear of having my heart broken again.  I felt like saying that because I almost called my brother today but as usual I chickened out. 

Im not really doing anything today.  It is really nice not working.  Maybe I should have kids just so that I can have the title "stay at home mom".  I really want to go drive north to take pictures today....it is so pretty there.  Well, that is all I have to really say.

daily scedule:

9:00-get ass out of bed

9:30-go eat breakfast

10:00-watch maury

11:00-watch montel

12:00- get dressed/washed/brushed/ect.

1:00-go lay on my deck

1:30- make phone calls

2:30- clean room

3:00- go jogging or sew

4:00- watch strong medicine (re-runs)

5:00- go help cook dinner

5:30- eat dinner

6:00- wash kids up and play outside

7:00- give kids bath and get them ready for bed

8:00- put kids to bed

8:00-12:00- lay around and do absolutely nothing

love,

rach

Jacob is an ASS!!!!  and according to HIM our friendship is over, done with, forgotten about, and through.  To him our frinedship was so meaningless and he never cared about me at all.  Aparently he HATES me for helping him with somthing he ASKED me to.  IM SORRY FOR TRYING TO BE A GOOD FRIEND. 

ps: Josh, I can't go to MA on Fri.

Everybody is either gone or going including me.  Nobody is around to just "hang out" anymore.  I thought summer break was actually going to be a "break" but I guess not, lol what can I expect?  Well, Sam and Shannon's parents came yesterday for an all day unsupervised visit and so that really sadened me quite a bit...it broke my heart.  They are NOT good parents not even good people.  I can't emagine the devistation that will follow after the girls leave.  I worked out today...PHEW!!  Oh my gosh, I am tierd.  Im leaving for Detroit tommorow cos Shannon has an appointment at childrens hospital.  Anyways, The past 2 days have been weird and kind of life changing for me....Im learing to let go even though me letting go can ruin sombodys life but mine would be ruined if I didn't.  I miss everybody so bad...I can't wait to see everyone again.

love always,

rach

I went to detroit and got to see some of my old friends that I grew up with.  It was really weird, nobody had really changed.  They hadn't done anything or gone anywhere it was like they were right where I left them.  It was great though cos I got to see one of my old best friends and first love, Dj.  Wow, he has gotten so tall and so incredibly HOTT!!!  We walked around HP and just talked for 5 hours.  It was really good seeing him again.  Ill probably always love him.  I mean, HELLO he and I have been best friends since we were 2 years old!!!    That is all for now.

love always,

rach

On September 6, Congress will begin asking John Roberts, the nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court, tough questions about his beliefs on constitutional issues. Do you want to ensure that he is asked, and that he answers, questions about whether he believes the Constitution protects a woman's right to choose abortion?

sign the petition to support the right for a woman to choose.

(I got this from sombody elses blog)

thank you,

rach

I deleted my post from yesterday, I don't feel like explaining my reasons.  I used to hang out with people that never made me feel good they always made me feel worthless....this is nobody that I hang out with these days, I love my friends dearly....they are brilliant people.  Im so happy that I got away from those people when I did.  I saw sombody that I used to care about today and when I saw that person I felt sick.....I wanted to cover my head with a paper bag and run to the nearest exit.  I used to be so attracted to people who took control over me but now I absolutely despise people who do that.  Has sombody ever called you weird or stupid or annoying when really they were the ones that were weird, stupid, and annoying but you are too possesed to say anything but now you would do anything to just cus them out and kick their ass?  Im a person that gets vibes off of the people I am around...so I can be mean when everybody around me is mean but then again I can be a complete sweetheart if the people around me are nice....so therefor I have dumped all of my friends that make me feel bad and useless.  Wow, that was a really pointless post but hey it felt good just to say that........im proud of myself.

love,

rach 

Tonight was simply NARLEY DUDE!!!  We went kareokeing at a bar for my moms be day and it was tons of fun.  We had lots of friends and family come and we sang tons of horrible songs.  It is nice for me because at bars I never need money cos guys always buy me drinks.  I leave for Canada tommorow.  I will miss you all.  I got to go, Pippy (my uncles dog) is begging for attention.

love always,

rach

This post is just me rambling but to some of you it may make sense:

Canada:  I don't want to talk about it but lets put it this way....I will no longer be visiting my "father"

To Jacob,

I can't beleive you.  You are such a fucking hypocrite.  I loved you with all of my heart as a friend and as a sister and now you go and do this.  You and Bethany are both obviosly PSYCO so you can go and live in the fucking mental institution with each other!!!!  YOU LIED TO ME!!  YOU BETRAYED NICOLE AND ME!!!  YOU HAVE NOW LOST ME AS YOUR FRIEND AND IT IS GONNA HURT BUT YOU DESERVE EVERY BIT OF THAT PAIN.  I TRIED OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO HELP YOU AND TO BE YOUR FRIEND BUT EACH TIME YOU HAVE TAKEN MY FACE AND RUBBED IT INTO THE DIRT AND IM DONE WITH IT!!!!!  GO HAVE A NICE FUCKING UNSUCESSFUL LIFE!!!

*ahem* on a better note I am really happy to be home.  I missed everybody besides Jacob (backstabber).  Im going to be home for awhile now and im getting my mom to sue for full custody of me *YAY*.  Wow, im ditching a lot of people that make me feel bad and stuff.....GO ME!!!

ps: Jacob, all you have done is lie to me and hurt me and all I have done is taken it and cared for you when no body else did and you misused me and hurt me so much that I can't even put it into words.  I hope you just don't go and fuck other people over like you did me, you bastard!!!!

much love (to the ones that love me back),

rach

I don't have a father.......just a man who planted his sperm into my moms egg I guess.  My "sperm donor" dosn't love me or atleast I don't feel loved by him.  I have never felt so cold and alone in my entire life before today.  My dad says things that really hurt me and so does his "perfect" little wife.  She is so mean to me and she dosn't even realize it.  I can't stand being around them.  I feel so frozen and just completely dispised....like they only put up with me because they have to.  Im much happier with my mom.  I love her so much it is unreal.  My mom has been my mom and dad my entire life and I just now realized that.  I feel so funky and bad today.  I love Jacob and everybody basicly knows that.....I can't beleive he would lie to me.  I trusted him so much.  All the people that I have ever really "trusted" with all of me have let me down.  I feel like I was just a part of my "sperm donors" plan.....ya' know have kids and thats it, don't worry about anything else.  He now only wants to see me 4 times a year but I really don't want to see him at all anymore.....I can't take it.  I just feel like jumping off the pier so that all of the cold water can sothe my aching heart.  I need sombody to just hold me and let me cry on their shoulder.  I want to lay down and die so bad right now.  All ive done is lived a lie.  I was just a part of "the plan", I was never an actual person.  Jacob is the person that I usually call when I have my breakdowns but now I can't talk to him cos he hates me but right now I need him so bad because I love him so much as a brother and as a friend.  I wish all of this was just a dream and that all of the pain would just leave me alone.  I want to go home but home is nowhere.  Don't feel sorry for me...right now what I need is a friend.

Im feeling a little bit better now.  I finally got my mom alone and she held me for a good hour or so which was really nice.  I have cried so much today, it really isn't funny.  I need sombody really bad, not like a bf or gf or anythng but just sombody besides my mom to be with for awhile.......ya' know sombody to make me forget about everything bad.  Im gonna be okay now I guess.  I wrote everything down on a piece of paper and then burned it over the stove.  Everything im feeling now is so bittersweet.  I don't know why but my happiness seems to be making me really sad.  Tonight im going to sleep under the stars on my back deck and get eaten to death by moskitos, lol.  Well, I would continue but my nephew is really pissing me off so im gonna go.

much love to everyone (including Jacob),

rach

I have become so attatched to Sami lately.  She goes everywhere with me and I spend every minuet of spare time I have with her.  I love Shannon tons but lately she has been really mean and rebelious.  I feel like a mom even though they arn't my kids.  I feel like I have to take care of them as if they were my own.  Sami keeps on calling me mommy and it almost makes me cry.  She is so confused but who can blame her.  I really really don't want them to leave us.  Ill miss everything about them.  Everything just is like really messed up now.  I mean it is so crazy ya' know my dad, jacob, and now all of this.  All the people I love the most are just like drifting away.  I started writing yesterday in a notebook about everything going on and I already wrote 64 pages!!!  I think im gonna turn it into a book.  I feel now as if I am coming out of a shell that I have been forever trapped in.  Every bone in my body aches and all I feel now is pain and dispair.  I don't know how im going to get through this.  I have nowhere to go and nothing to really do and I need to get out.  I wish that everything would just freeze for a second and let me pick myself up from the ground but that is just so impossible.  I miss Jacob so much.  Im becoming soooo attatched to Sami.  I get sick to my stomach whenever I think of my dad.  And now I feel as if I have way more than I can handle.  I love Jacob with all of my heart and all of this just hurts so bad. 

love always,

rach

Im okay now.  Im feeling a ton better.  I will have my mom to myself all weekend!!!  Im still freaking out about high school.  Im afraid that I won't fit in.  Ill be sewing my outfit for the rennisance fair all weekend....so basicly im doing nothing but sometimes nothing is just as good as somthing. 

"If life ain't beautiful without the pain then id rather never even see beauty again"

oh yeah and if I remember, tommorow im going to write down everthing that happened in Canada.  Just so I can get it all out and see if im over reacting. 

well yeah, love ya,

rach

I watched the finale of six feet under again tonight and it made me cry even more than the first time I watched it.  When Claire drove off into the sunset I almost felt  like that was me.  Out of all of the amazing characters on that show I was the most like Claire and I felt like through the years I had grown up with her character.  It was so bitter sweet in the end, Everybody got what they wanted.  Even though everybody died it still felt like there was hope.  It made me think about my death and what that would be like, how would it happen?, would I be happy?  Im not afraid of death anymore after watching 5 years of this show.  It taught me that death is just a part of life and it is somthing that we all are going to have to face.  I can sort of laugh at death now.  I wonder what comes after this life.  Where do we go?  What do we do?  Is it really all it is cracked up to be in the end?  Or, Is life just what we make of it?

much love,

rach 

I was on the farm all day at my aunts.  I got so absolutely dirty but it felt good being able to roll around in the dirt and not care.  Tonight was family dinner night where all of my family gets together at my aunts for spaggetii.  I gave my sisters their first lesson in horse back riding and they had a ball!!!  I took April (the unicorn) out to graze in the paring area and she was so happy.  I brushed her for a like an hour and I got covered in white horsie hair.  It was fun.  Im going horse back riding with my aunt, her friend, and her friends daughter this saturday...I can't wait.  I love horses and I hope to have one of my own someday.  I really want to put my differences with Jacob aside because I really miss him but I still feel that we need to talk about A LOT of stuff.  Well, today was great and that is all I have to say.

much love to all,

rach

Tonight was so funny.  My mom and I were sitting on the living room floor signing registration papers for tommowow and I was just about to have a panic attack.  My mom and I started cuddling and she asked me how I slept last night and I said "not so good, I heard you having an orgasm at 2:30 this morning"  and she goes "omg, you heard that?, I thought you were asleep" and I was like "At first I thought Bud was having a back spasm or somthing but it lasted for a really long time and I heard you voice join in so I knew what was going on".  She looked at me like she was trying to hold back a smile and said "I swear I can't have sex anymore because everytime I do it you know about it and you report the sounds to me" so I told her "hey, our garage is sound proof and the suberban is big enough to fit an air matress in the back, you could screw in there!!!"  and then she broke out laughing.  After that we had a talk about sex.  She started talking about this show on oxygen called talk sex with sue johanson and she asked me if I had ever watched it before and I looked at her and said "mom, I have been watching that show for years"  and we both broke out laughing.  Tonight was just really lighthearted and fun.  I am still freaking out about tommorow.  I don't know what I am going to wear and I feel an anxiety attack coming on.

Little things like these will always be the memories that I have of my mom.  I love her for these short-stupid conversations and I love her for all of the times that we have just hung out laughing about nothing.

much love,

rach

I got it done!!!  I got it over with!!!  I survived registration!!!  I was shaking the whole fricking time. 

My scedule:

Alegebra, Mr. Mikkelson

English, Mrs. Rogers

Intro to art, Mrs. Mallory

advisory, Ms. Mckinney

general science,  Mr. Snell

Speech, Mrs. Vanderleest

gym, Mr. Huizenga

I have locker number 41 and that thing is soo fricking tall!!!!  Well, Im gonna go eat now.  Holla back at me.

much love,

rach

I have been having a really rough time with myself lately.  I have major anxiety and I start shaking every time my mom mentions school.  A ton of stuff has happened in the past 4 days and right now I don't feel like explaining all of it.  I think ill be okay.  Im going to start seeing my councelor more often now because this stress is just killing me.  My dad has called 5 times in the past two days and I didn't want to talk to him so I didn't pick up the phone.  I wrote him a really long letter basicly stating that I have had enough of him.  Well, I love you all and I promise to chat it up with ya soon.

much love to all,

rach

Today is such a beautiful day not to mention it is a holiday weekend.  We have so much to do this weekend such as finish our costumes, lay more mulch, paint the desk, mow the lawn, wash the cars, return all of the calls on our answering machine and lots more.  Only 3 more days til school :(, I can't beleive summer is almost over.  Well, I better go get started.

much love,

rach

Wow, I just realized that I actually love kids!!!  I just thought id say that. lol.

mad at sombody??  Cool, me too!!! (nobody here, don't worry)

go here: http://www.instantvoodoo.com/default.asp?flash=true

much love,

rach

Today was just a complete fucking let down.  I felt so good about everything yesterday and today all of that got shattered.  This moring I went to the bus stop and like talked to this kid named Jon til we got to school, he was really cool and he seemed like a "nice guy".  When I got to school I found out that I didn't have lunch with Nicole, Josh, Jacob, or any of my other friends that I like hanging out with (besides Katie and Jenny, thank gosh for them).  I feel horrible now because I don't get to really see them anymore and it is just an odd feeling, they were my friends all through Jr. High and I don't know what I would do without them.  I had homework in all of my classes except 2.  When I got to lunch I saw my ex and like freaked out........I thought he fucking moved.......I don't want to see him.......I am ashamed that I was ever "with" him.....he isn't my type and I just feel so fucking low for dating him......He sat with us and started talking to me like I acctaully wanted to talk to him.  Then I found out that Jon (the "nice" guy from the bus) WENT TO JUVIE!!!!  JUVINILLE HALL!!!  Oh my god, I have never been so dissapointed.  Im ready to give up already.  I don't want to break my friendships with the ones that I care about.  I want to meet new people but everybody INTERESTING I meet is all screwed up.  When does it end??  I have homework to do.  bye.

much love,

rach

I went home today, right after lunch........I felt so incredibly bad.  I had the worst stomach ache I had ever had in my entire life!  I only missed science, civics, and gym so hopefully I won't have much to make-up.  Im so pissed at my mom.....she "forgot" to call my dermitologist for my shot so I might not go to homecoming because my skin won't be perfect in time.  She also "forgot" to call and scedule my hair appointment so this homecoming thing is just turning into a big ass mess.  I really don't want to go with anybody to homecoming but my heart is telling me otherwise....I have a chance to go to homecoming with a senior that my neighboor hooked me up with or ask sombody that I really know and care about (not like like).  My dress is so beautiful...I can't wait to show it off (if I go).  I got my school pics  back today and I absolutelyl positively hate mine.  Other than that, things are pretty good.  I had a lot of fun this weekend...partying and stuff.  The game on Friday was great even though we lost but the band kicked ass!!!  lol, g2g.

much love,

rach

Im really starting to wonder if im depressed.  I have ups and downs all the fucking time and it is starting to get to me.  I get mad about stupid things and then I put them in the back of my mind and try to forget.  I keep on getting sick or atleast I feel sick all of the time.  Lately people have been pissing me off just by making rude jokes that normally I would indeed laugh at.  I havn't slept more than 8 hours in the past 3 days and I am just plain old exausted.  I have homework in every class tonight and I am working sooooo hard.  I need a break once again....like away from everything.  I havn't talked to my mom in like forever nor have we been able to just "hang out" in like ages.  Bud and I keep fighting everyday.  My little sisters won't sleep and they tend to leave the whole household awake.  Im starting to see a whole different side of people, the sides that I didn't see before.  Nobody is comforting enough for me anymore.......I need to be held for awhile but I don't have anybody here to do that.  FUCK!!!!  My head feels so heavy that I just want to put it down but I can't because I still have english, civics, and science homework to do.  I don't know how I can keep going on like this.  What is wrong with me?  Everybody else seems to be doing fine. 

much love,

rach

Hey everybody!  My weekend is kicking ass.  I went to the game friday night with Katie and Jacob to see Josh and Nicole play in band.  When we got there we found a ton of people to hang with and it was SWEET.  Whitehall lost the game but the band (as usual) kicked ass.  After that we dropped Jacob off and went back to my house and Katie slept over and it was fun.  I still have homework to do but im holding that off til the end of the weekend.  Me and Katie are going to homecoming with Josh.  Nicole and Jacob are going (how cute)!!!!  It is going to be a hell of a lot of fun cos I know somthing you don't know, tehehe. Well, I better go......

much love,

rach

Today was cool.  I got up at like 7 and I did a ton of stuff.  Katie didn't get up till like 11:30 and MANN.....that chick can snore, WHOA.  Then we went to the mall to get her homecoming dress.  We went to DEB and she tried on like 7 and none of them fit her personality so we went to hot topic and found the perfect dress.  After we got back to my house it started raining and so we went outside and walked in the rain and got completely soaked from head to toe....I was like a wet kitten stuck out in the rain.  Then Katie went home and I talked to Nicole and Jacob.  Jacob asked for his hoodie back *dammit* I liked it.  lol.  I washed it for him cos it smelled like cigarette smoke and now it smells like FLOWERS!!!!  LoL.  I've like given up on "TRYING" to get a boyfriend now im just going to be a hoe and make out with everybody.....I hope I don't get mono.  Im listening to funky town right now and it reminds me of nicole, she is my BESTEST BUDDY EVER!!!  and I WOULD NOT REPLACE HER, EVER!!!!!!  That is like all I have to say now cos im gonna go watch desprate housewives and greys annatomy.....oh shit, I still have to clean my room.

much love,

rach

Hey everybody.  I have been very busy.  Last night was homecoming and it was a lot of fun.  Everybody looked so great.  I don't really have much else to say besides, people really need to get over homophobia because it is really starting to piss me off. 

"I wish I could freeze this moment, just with me and you so our hearts can blend through and through

much love,

rach

According to people ive had an attitude lately and honestly, I don't see it.  It just pisses me off when people say stupid things such as "we don't like you anymore" in a joking way....it is like what the fuck, why would you say that anyways...expecilly to a friend?  I admit that I am insecure and a bit bitchy at times but so is everybody (some more than others) and their friends are all there for them.........they don't go blowing them off.  My baby sister went in for surgery today and im worrying my ass off........I don't know what to do she will be gone all week and she will recover for 5 weeks after that.  Bud will be gone all week with her and my mom won't get home until late tonight.  Nobody cares about me anymore so why should I care about them??  Maybe I should start blowing people off and just running away from everything like a pussy.  I hate this small town, so much drama errupts over nothing and it is absolutely horrible.  I don't have enough emotions to handle all of this stuff.....nobody is around to stop me now.....I could do anything at this point.  I can't take this stuff, im not strong enough and everybody knows that yet they continue to poke me with a stick and laugh.  I just need to cry so bad right now.....I need to be held but nobody is here for me.  I care so much about others but nobody seems to return the favor.  Why why why???  At times like these I wish I had a reliable father figure but I don't.  I have everything I want but the one thing that I need right now is no where to be found.  Im normally a very happy person but im just so stressed, confused, angry, and hurt that I don't know what to do or how to get rid of this pain.  This pain always lies deep inside my heart, aching all of the time and it never goes away.  I don't know why but I keep thinking of my old friends DJ, how he never let me down and how he always made me smile.......I loved him so much.  Everytime everything starts to go good.......my life takes a turn for the worst and I don't know where im going.

I found out that my little sisters will more than likely be going back to there parents meaning I will no longer be a big sister.  Their parents can't take care of them and the stupid case worker is to idiotic to see that....they can't even take care of themselves.  I can't beleive this is happening.  Ill probably never see them again.  This is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  I love those kids with all of my heart and now they are being ripped away.  We didn't do anything wrong and there isn't anything we can do to change what is going to happen.  My house is going to be so quiet again.....I don't want it to be like that.  Ill miss tripping on the stupid bubbah toy in the hall in the morning and waking up to the noise of little giggles and a little voice singing "twikle twikle liwel staw".  I know that what my lil loves are about to face and I wish that I could take all the blows for them.  I hope that they know that I will always love them.....forever..and ever. 

Life is finally starting to get better.  My sister is doing so well in the hospital that they sent her home today.  Im starting to feel better at school.  I think Mr. Hector and I are FINALLY getting along or atleast not trying to strangle eachother.  For the LAST TIME I don't care what people think about me........call me ugly....call me fat....I don't care.  Im better than that.  Im not the pretiest girl in the world but I sure as hell_o am not the ugliest.  I g2g.  Im on the phone with Beth and im bout to leave for the game.

much love,

rach

This weeked was pretty fun.  I went to Beths party on Saturday and had fun.  I spent the night and MANN, her parents are strict, they yell at her for EVERYTHING.  We had to get up early to go to church so we went and it was cool cos we got free bagles.  Then my mommy came and picked us up and me, beth, and katie went to halloween USA to get our costumes.....we were all gonna be bunnies but once we got there we kind of parted ways and all did our own thing.  Then everybody came back to my house to eat dinner.....and then my sisters got home from their parents and were little bitches.  Sami slapped me really hard in the face with max's dog toy and it hurt like hell and ofcourse, my parents didn't give a fuck and that is really starting to bother me.  Im exausted.  I still have to do my homework and take a shower and watch desprite housewives and greys anatomy.  After dinner Beths parents called and were like freaking out because she bought a $40 dollar costume with her own money and they were telling her she had to take it back and stuff....it was so rediculos, they had no right to be freaking out about somthing like that.  I better get going.

Ps:  My best friends grandmother just passed away and I would like to ask all of you to say a little prayer for her and her family, it would be much appriciated in so many ways.

love always,

rach

This weeked was pretty fun.  I went to Beths party on Saturday and had fun.  I spent the night and MANN, her parents are strict, they yell at her for EVERYTHING.  We had to get up early to go to church so we went and it was cool cos we got free bagles.  Then my mommy came and picked us up and me, beth, and katie went to halloween USA to get our costumes.....we were all gonna be bunnies but once we got there we kind of parted ways and all did our own thing.  Then everybody came back to my house to eat dinner.....and then my sisters got home from their parents and were little bitches.  Sami slapped me really hard in the face with max's dog toy and it hurt like hell and ofcourse, my parents didn't give a fuck and that is really starting to bother me.  Im exausted.  I still have to do my homework and take a shower and watch desprite housewives and greys anatomy.  After dinner Beths parents called and were like freaking out because she bought a $40 dollar costume with her own money and they were telling her she had to take it back and stuff....it was so rediculos, they had no right to be freaking out about somthing like that.  I better get going.

Ps:  My best friends grandmother just passed away and I would like to ask all of you to say a little prayer for her and her family, it would be much appriciated in so many ways.

love always,

rach

Food:

my favorite resturant: uhm....EE
my favorite soup: vegetable beef from the grecian palace

favorite juice: orange

subway order: 6inch seafood on italian herb w/ pickles, blick olives, lettuce, and a splash of vinegar.
favorite bread: pita
guilty pleasure: sex....food wise...uhm, phish food
favorite pop: Dr. Pepper

Friends:

favorite friend to hang with: They are all cool but probably Nicole cos she is the coolest

the longest friend:  Dj (from detroit)
the one you share every secret with:  Nicole
the one you act most retardedist with:  all of them

the one that you get in most trouble with: Katie
the one with the style you admire most: Honestly, Jenni
the one that you call to hang with on a friday night, cause no one else with hang with you: Jacob and Katie cos Nicole has band. 
the one that your parents talk to: mostly Katie

favorite place to go with friends: Varsity games to see Nicole and Josh in band. 
the one you share most inside jokes with: Nicole

The one that always makes you think:  Josh :)

who do you argue with the most: Nicole but they are stupid and funny arguments 
who makes you laugh just by looking at them: Courtnee yet she also makes my eyesight blur!!!

Cool Junk:

what is your fav. season:  fall!!
what is your fav. holiday:  x-mas

do you have conversations with yourself:  for me to know and for you to *shutup* find out
do you like day or night better:  Day time cos I can hardly see as it is 
do you have a job:  nope
do you wear junk like jewlery: yeah, granny balls all the way man
do you support our war and its troops?: The war: no Our troops coming home: yes

How are you?:

are you tired right now: yes
are you sad: no
are you happy: a lil bit
are you cold: my nipples say so
are you hot: I am hotter than fresh cooked ramen noodles.
are you frustrated: yeah, I get headaches when I think.

are you hyper: yeah but im more on the horny side.

are you needing a huggle: What the fuck is a huggle??  Hugs are always welcome :)

much love,

rach

Today was full of everything.  Katie and Josh are so fricking cute together......they were holding hands and strolling down the hallway and I couln't help but sigh "aww" because they are so gosh adorable.  I twisted my ankle in gym while I was jogging outside........there are fricking holes everywhere out there..it is so dangerous so I had to sit with ice on my ankle all hour long which sucked because everybody else had to run so I had nobody to talk to because the Beaner was even running which he never does.  Nicole was visibly upset today and I found out later by Jacob and it made me feel really bad.  There wasn't anything I could do so im just gonna chill.  Then one the bus ride home, I sat in the way back (as usual) with all the guys and we talked about dildo's and self-fucking.  Ryan (8th grader) is a perfectonist.....he gave me a back massage and it was really good.  Then he started telling me how pretty my eyes were and it made me smile.....he is so cute.  I didn't get off at my stop, I decided to ride all the way around so I could talk longer.  The route is like a circle so it really didn't matter but I did get scollded by Denise a lil bit but she was cool about it, she rocks.  Then I got home and apparently Shannon got out of surgery well so that is good.  I have homework to do so I better get going.

love you all, xoxoxo,

the rachinator

I want to die, badly.  I want everthing to stop.  I found out that I wasted two years of my life on a very un-realistic idea.  My old best friend lied to me and practically slapped me in the face!  I feel so un-loved.  Nobody likes me, somthing is always wrong and I don't get it.  Im sick of trying to look pretty all the time.....Im not going to do it anymore....no more blow dryer, no more pink, no more make-up, no more contacts, and no more happiness.  I just want to be some comfortable in my own skin.....I want everybody else to like me for me but that also seems like and un-realistic idea.  On Monday, expect a change.....don't expect hugs or any smiles because I have been drained of anything good and worthwhile.  Im exausted and I want to die.  Im sick of men.  I always pick the guys who don't want me and I feel so rejected and hurt.  That is all I have to say right now.  Im very sad and damaged.  I loved Jacob, the only problem is, he dosn't love me back.  I need somebody to love me but nobody will.

the one, the only, the unfortunate,

rachel

Im okay, Im okay, Im okay.  Im feeling good.  I can't say much right now except for...im happy and im happy to be happy....lol.  I learned that I can't not love people....damn being such a huggy-cuddly person.

love always,

rachel

Today I am so happy.  I found out that Jacob and Nicole were playing me so I dumped Jacob.  Im not either one of there friends anymore because friends don't do that to eachother.  I felt so good after I broke up with him cos I wasn't going to let him walk all over me like that.  At that point, dating meant nothing to me.  I mean it is good but I don't need to be with sombody to know that I am beautiful.  So 6th hour came and it was the normal gym and then we went outside and Bethanie asked me out....I said yes cos ive liked her since the begining of school.  I really really like her and I hope that our relationship can work out really well.  Im estatic.  This weeked Katie-Josh, Bethanie-me, chealsea, and jenny are gonna go on a double date.......and so im excited.  I also realized how definately Bi-sexual I was today.......I've known it forever but it has never been this evident.  Well, im happy and I hope you are all to.  Life gets hard but if you smile, you will always get through it.

love always,

rachel

ps:  Bethanie, you rock and I hope that I can grow to love you as even more.

pss. Im wearing the pretty bracelet she gave me :).

Im home today.  Im just not feeling good.  I think it is heartache but whatever it is, im hoping to go back in 5th hour.  Im between the breaks from crying, im writing out everything I feel.  Im starting to get good at deaf poetry so im chaneling some of my anger into that.  Unfortunately, im breaking up with bethanie.......not because I don't like her but because im not ready for a relationship right now....I just came out of 2 years of lies and hurt.  Im gonna be single until I know im ready but honestly I don't see that happening in high school.  Im okay though.  Ill make it through.  Beth is beautiful and I like her a ton but now is not the time for me to be with somebody.  Yesterday I was so happy but it was a very angry happy.  I was so mad.....the worst it has ever been but I kept telling myself to be happy and just deal and that is what I did but today im paying for it.  I g2g.  Much love to friends (the real ones)

Since u been gone:

deticated to a people that know who they are

Everything is back to normal.  Things have FINALLY settled down.  I feel a lot better now.....like there is actually some life back in me.  I wrote a poem in 1st hour this morning that really explained how I felt and I had Jenny give it to Nicole.  Nicole and Jacob both appologized.  As for school, it was normal besides the fact that all my older male friends are getting married!!!  Which is great because it is hard to find the love of your life at such a young age.  I died my hair back to its original color....medium brown and I like it a lot, it feels like me.  As corny as it sounds in a way; me dying my hair from blonde to brown was kind of like me ending a chapter in my life....the fake chapter.  I don't care what people think about me, I love myself just for me.  I have broken up with 2 people this week and that is a fricking record.  Some of my friends are still trying to hook me up with people but right now.....im just not ready.  I don't need somebody to complete me.....im complete the way that I am.  Im very content now and happy with life.  I hope someday to fall in love.......I beleive in love at first sight and when I meet him, ill know.  Life is love and love is life.

love always,

rach

I woke up this morning crying.  I don't really feel like explaining why.  I need help....not like im psyco or anything but I don't know how to make the pain stop and ive never ever felt this absolutely horrible before, where do I go now?  What do I do?  How can I mend my broken heart?

much love,

rachel

Well, ive been doing really well lately.  Im so happy and content.  Last  night I went to Megans halloween party and had a lot of fun.  I don't even remember half of last night.....I was so asleep like 1/2 the time.  I almost did somthing yesterday that I didn't realize could happen so fast.......Ill admit that it scared me a lot.  Things for me seem to be looking up in more ways than one.  For once I have a humungo...smile on my face and I feel good about it.  Im doing pretty well in school too.  I have planned out everything that im doing after high school....im either going to New York or London to study.  Im feeling fantastic and better than ever at this point.  Im so happy that I didn't actaully do what I was going to do last night because even though it would have felt good for a second I would have regreted it long term.  Well, I better go...im at the library and we get limited time. 

love always,

rach 

Me and Katie just walked like 7 miles from the library to my house!!!!  We called my mom and her dad like a zillion times but nobody picked up so we decided to walk.  We were at the corner of riley thompson and orshal (really close to my house) when my mom finally drove up!  I don't feel good at all today ifact i've gotten sick twice but that is just a side effect of the drugs to keep my infection from spreading.  If im still sick monday, I won't be coming to school.  The walk was really pretty.  Katie found a leaf with a heart cut in it.......and it was weird because we were talking about Josh when she found it.  I love the smell of fall.  Well, I g2g.......the naussea is getting to me again.  I just wish my infection would go away.

love always,

rach

Im researching  again for my paper due tommorow that I havn't started.  Im here w/ Jacob, katie, jenny, jess, and 2 other guys that I don't know.  We all piled into Jess's car to get her and I could hardly breath but it was fun....every time we hit a turn we all went flying to one side of the car.  Life is so filled with drama but im working on fixing that.  Just incase people havn't realized yet...I don't fight dirty....I fight with love...and knowledge.  Im really concerned with Jacob and he is like mad at me for it.....im just looking out for his best intrest.  I might be going out on a date this week which is a big plus...People keep trying to hook me up but honesly I have no trouble finding guys..it is just hard to find the right guys.  Well, I better go.  Jacob and Jenny are right next to me.  I don't like Jacob anymore but I care about him with all my heart....us together just wasn't meant to be and im cool with that.  I just don't want him to get hurt and he just keeps going for it.

love always,

rach

Once again im sick of drama but this time im done with it.  Nicole has said and done so much to me and to others.  She had the nerve to call me fat, ugly, and stupid.....all while I was still her friend.

a) Im not ugly.......people call me beautiful everyday.

b) Im not fat.....I have somthing called curves that she seems to lack.

c) I am FAR from stupid.  I have been on honor roll since 7th grade and im SMART enough to know that you CAN'T get a rape kit that has evidence after 3 weeks. 

So.....im done with her because I know she will never stop.  She says that she has always had to prove herself to me and Josh but it was actually Josh and I proving ourselves to her over and over again.  She also thinks that I am "below her" which is crap because I would never ever stoop to the levels that she does to get attention.  She seems to have a problem with other people accepting themselves and being happy because she always creates lies and drama to make those things go away.  I just want her to get help cos honestly, somthing is wrong.  Maybe it would be good if she went to boarding school.  Im just sick of all this shit.  I have enough to worry about rite now.  I am me and I like myself wheather she or anybody else does or not.  I like my curves and I like my looks so she can just get over it already!!!  She should look at herself before she starts pointing out my flaws.  Im fine with myself she has to learn how to be cool with herself.......until then we are not friends.  I g2g, more later.  Oh and, I don't just hug people I like....I hug everybody........that is just me so get over it!!!!  If you need a hug, ill give you one!!!  That is my personality.......I LOVE PEOPLE AND I LOVE HUGS.

love,

rach

Im home now.......as most of you have probably figured out rite now.  Somthing happened today that made me sick and I had to go home.  I got into a fight this morning and got some really bad old memories of my childhood.  I never talk about that part of my childhood........the part where I was abused and beat up all of the time by other kids, neighborhood bullies, and even my step dad.  The pain of the blows today brought all of that back and so now I have to sort through it all again.  As for the person who did it.....they know what I NOW think of them so I don't have to say it again.  My mom fully understood why I went home and we had a long conversation about it.  I miss Katie, Beth, Jenny, Josh, Mike, John, Chels, and all those other people that I talk to during the day.  I am now done with all the drama....all of it.....ive dropped out completely.  I don't care anymore...the only peron in the drama that I care about is Katie (and Josh).  Im sick of abusive relationships infact im done with them and I just got out of one that lasted for 2 years.  I have BIG TIME issues with male authority and men telling me what to do because most of the men in my life have either beat me, left me, or hurt me in some other way.  Im sick of men basicly.......everyone besides the good ones.  When he hit me I felt so helpless and so I fought back.....It was different this time because I never fought back when I was a kid.  I feel bad that I can't hang out with Mike today but ill get to see him tommorow :).  I can't wait til tommorow cos Katie and I are leaving for Detroit.  My head still hurts but ill be okay.  I have good family and TRUE friends that are here for me and won't let me fall.  I told my mom that I wanted to get out of Whitehall but then she said "You'll never forgive yourself if you just run away from all your fears" and then I remembered how I ran away from all my fears before.  I was a completely differen't girl in HP....now, I stick up for myself and my friends.  Im done with being hurt over and over again.  Now, my bruises are going to heal and after they do I won't be getting any anymore.  Its over.....all the pain is gone.

love always,

rach

Today was really good.  I got a ton of hugs from everyone and a lot of love.  It was great.  What happened yesterday is in the past and I will never go back to being that girl that let people do stuff like that to her.  Im so happy...like unbeleivably happy.  I have so many good, caring, non- backstabbing friends that I didn't realize I had until today.  When I got to school everybody knew what happened and everybody was like "omg, are you okay" and im fine.......Im so much better than I have ever been.  Nothing can bring me down.  I still find it extremely funny how nicole STILL feels the need to talk shit about me even though im not the one who fucked everything up......she really needs to sit and spin.  All the drama that she started has hurt so many people, it isn't funny.  It had a domino effect almost.......like it hit one person, another, and another until everybody was down and hurt.  Im working on getting everybody back up into tip top shape again and that includes myself.  Im with Mike now and he makes me really happy.......he isn't abusive, he is cuddly, and he is sweet!!!  Score for me.  Anyway, I better go.  I got to pack. 

love always,

rach

ps:  Kat didn't mean anything bad with what she said so people really need to lay off.  All this hatred and drama has gotten out of hand.....if it dosn't stop we are going to end up in bording schools, juvie, or RP and all three of those options suck!

"Its okay to be afraid but its not okay to ignore your fears"

I just got back from my dads house.  It wasn't too bad.  I didn't really hang with my dad or anything cos I was hanging with Katie.  We went to the malls and it was *cough* fun.....in interesting ways.  Then we hot tubbed for like an hour and watched movies.  We both got really perverted when we went out to dinner.......she was eating french fries and I was like "josh would like that" and she liked her lips.  Im not really looking forward to school tommorow but ill get over it.  Im still upset with everything that happened and still is happening but im done being a part of it.  My wrist still hurts really bad but.....we have to go eat.  l8ter.

~rach

I broke up with Mike but it was a mutual thing.  I didn't feel anything with him and it just felt awkward.  He is an awesome guy and he is a lot of fun but when I was with him.....I really had nothing to say.  There was nothing to talk about.....nothing at all and I myself and a BIG TIME jammer mouth so for me that was very odd.  We never did anything, like nothing at all.  Not only that but he had never had a GF before and it just was kind of pointless because I don't want a guy that I have to teach everything.  He wasn't really my type anyways but I did really like him, it wasn't like I was just going out with him to go out with somebody....I just though id give it a chance.  Well, this one lasted 4 days!  Im pretty sad about it but it really wasn't meant to be.  I still havn't found what im looking for and im going to keep looking until I find it.  So, I am on the prowl looking for my special someone.  Dark hair, dark eyes, tall, and kind hearted.  Any ideas?

love always,

rach

So im bored.  Lunch hour is going to be over in 6 mins. and I came into the library because I don't have anything better to do.  Mann, today has been okay I guess.......kind of filled with nothing.  Last night I hung out with Katie and Jon at a youth thingy for street outreach and it was pretty fun......I met a lot of people.  Well, Ive been single for 2 days......only 29 more to go :lol:.  Jacob and I reconciled and now we are trying to get back on track with being friends and stuff but I hope he won't do what he did ever again  because if he does, I will permanately delete him from my life although I love and  care for him dearly.  Well, my mom and I got into a big fight last night because she was blaming everything on me and I told her to shut up and go to hell so we stayed up fighiting til about 11:30 when we finally gave up and said we were sorry.  I g2g, the bell is about to ring.

love always,

rach

Now that Jacob has come out and confessed somthing I already knew I figured that I would confess too.  Im mad at Jacob for all he has done and still is doing.....he shows no desire in wanting to change to re-build our almost gone friendship.  I used to be able to tell him everything and we would laugh about it all but now im afraid to tell him stuff because he will go off and tell Nicole or whoever else to get back at me or somthing.  Honestly, I keep telling people im fine so they will leave me alone for a minuet but I am seriously dying on the inside and crying myself to sleep every night.....that is if I even can fall asleep.  I keep on making myself keep busy outside of my house with friends and stuff but that has quit helping.  All my anxiety and hatred twards men is coming back and I can't take it.  My mom keeps yelling at me about her life and I can't take it.  I can't take any of this now.  Im half-past dead.  I used to love Jacob but now I don't and I never will.......infact I don't "love" anybody besides my family (some) and Katie and some other selected friends.  I seriously feel like one of these mornings im not going to wake up.  All this hurts so bad and nothing can save me n  I keep getting sicker and sicker just of myself and some people around me that I just want to go curl up in a ball somewhere in a corner and cry my eyes out til everything goes dry.  I keep smiling for everyone so that they don't end up like me.  This is what Nicole did to me.....all her lies.  Im so uncomfortable with myself, my  body, my looks, and ive never worn so much make-up in my life.  Everybody keeps going back to Nicole and leaving me and I didn't do anything.  I need people but people arn't there of me (not everybody) and I seriously am about to collapse.  I just want to get away from here.....nothing is worth it anymore.  I have to convince myself to go to school everymoring and I have never ever been like this before.  I don't like men anymore....infact I have a hard time being around most men.  Im exausted from everything.  I want people to hold me but then again I have started to not like it when people touch me.  I keep on looking at myself and picking out everything wrong with me and trying to change it because everybody seems to have a problem with how I look.  As much as I say I don't care, I do.  I cared enough to tell Nicoles dad what was going on and I got thrashed for it.  I just wanted to get her some help because as much as I hate what she did and what she said....I don't hate her.  I noticed today that I get really nervous in crowds and I start shaking and stuff.  People say I look sad all the time and the truth is I am but im not going to be all sad just to make people feel sorry for me.  I don't want sympathy.  I want love more than anything.  Ive become afraid to love people and afraid to show compassion because of what happened to me and because my heart got torn apart by all of this.  I don't feel like me anymore...."rachel, the fun-loving tree hugger", I just fee like a girl that is just there....nothing special...no glow or beauty around me.  I don't know who to trust anymore.  I don't know what to say anymore.  Sometimes I don't feel like talking because I have nothing to say anymore.  Everything has been taken out of me.  My heart and my soul are just struggling to stay with me.  I miss who I used to be and my life back then but chances are it will never go back to normal.  I feel like I have to go home when im at school all the time because I don't think I can take another day but I just keep soldgering on.  Im trying so hard to be there for people and be the rock that I used to be but now I feel like a leaning tree.  What more do I have to do to prove myself to this world?  Havn't I done enough?  What more does everybody want from me?  I don't have anything left to give but the shell that I live in everyday.  I am like the lady at church said yesterday "im an empty glove, nothing.  The hand that was in me has been taken out and I don't know what I have to do to get it back".  I feel empty and alone.  I need to get out because at this point....ive lost myself.

love always,

rach

Tell my mom that I love her.

Im okay........I talked it over.  Somthing happened and it made me really sick....I didn't think I was going to make it.  Im not a very strong person and when sombody basicly tells me that they would choose sombody else over me.....I take it pretty hard.  Im over it....it isn't worth my life.  I have a long while to live.  If anything kills me it will be my infection but not this....not now.  Im not going let this happen.  Sorry if I scared anybody....I was going to do it.   But with the caring call of a friend and help from my mom I decided not to.  Josh, thank you.....I really was ready to do it if you wouldn't have called.  Well, I g2g to meijers to get some new paint rollers. 

love always,

rach

Im gone.  Done.  Through with all of this.  Jacob went back to Nicole so I stayed true to my word and went away.  If he would have cared enough he wouldn't.......maybe he thought that I really wouldn't do it but I can't get myself hurt anymore....so that is where I am now.....getting myself away from pain.  I didn't run away....I just got out of more hurt and drama.  Nicole has given me and everybody so much crap and it is his problem if he still wants to beleive her.  I can't save him from himself.  He called me like a ton of times and my mom told me not to pick up the phone and then Jon and I fell asleep and he called again and I uncounsiously answered it...he is blaming everything on me and im not going to take it anymore, none of it.  As for Nicole, I WILL NEVER BE YOUR FRIEND AGAIN.  No, I DON'T want you to die but I sure as hell don't ever want to see you again.  You have some MAJOR issues and you blame them all on other people.  I wasted way to much of my time trying to help you and I will never let myself do that again.  I want you to go to boarding school, that is your choice.  Im just done.  You started all of this and you are the one who keeps dragging it on and so I am getting me and the ones I care about out of your web of lies.  See, I have friends....good ones you and Jacob are not included in that anymore....you both proved me to be wrong, I thought you were good.  I loved Jacob and you just couldn't stand that....so you went and stabbed me in the back and I decided that I wasn't going to take your shit anymore.  All you want is for people to feel sorry for you but I am not going to ever be one of those people again.  You and Jacob can go be depressed lovers....I don't care but don't come crying to me when nothing good comes of it.  Im okay.......I don't need either of you to make me happy and I have learned that.  So, its over.  Jacob, if you would have only listened none of this would have ever gotten this far but it was your choice and you just ruined our friendship.  Love isn't suppost to hurt so that wasn't love.....it was just me thinking I was.

Love to my REAL friends (you know who you are) and thank you.

love,

rach

So last night me, beth, and Jon went to this GSF concert at the church over by skate zone and it was really fun.  Jon picked out what me and beth should wear and he helped decide how our make-up should be.  We went and had fun but I started crying a bit cos I was still thinking of recent events as I still am now.  Beth and I talked about it for awhile and I started crying again.  Then me and Jon got onto a conversation about love and lust and what we actaully feel for people.  Then it ended at around 10 and we stayed till about 11:30 helping the bands pick up and i flirted with a bass player for awhile.......he was cute.  Secondhand is so awesome but they arn't really charity guys and that pissed me off a little.  I got to meet most of the bands so that was fun.   Then my mom came and picked us up and we stopped at wesco to get some junk food and energy drinks.......we all chugged them and then fell asleep, some help they were.  But me and beth stayed up talking about you know what for awhile and then fell asleep.  She wrote me a letter about how much she loved me and it made me cry.  When we woke up we continued talking about it and it hurt really bad.  All of this hurts really bad but if I don't stop it now it will just continue to get worse.  Im changing....getting out of the "jacob phase".......if I look differnt on monday don't be surprised, it won't be anything big but im trying to express myself better these days.  Im still hurt today but im going to be okay with a little help from my friends....we are gonna help eachother through this.

"life is like a pile of wet leaves, we know they are wet but we're going to jump into them anyways"

love always,

rach

I moved.........check me out if you love me wildxlover.  Ill add you once you check it out.

**Do it one by one, don't look ahead!** This is like, 99.9% true! On a piece of paper:

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.

2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?

3. Your first initial?

4. Your month of birth?

5. Which color do you like more, black or white?

6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.

7. Your favorite number?

8. Do you like California or Florida more?

9. Do you like the lake or the ocean more?

10. Write down a wish (a realistic one). Are you done? If so, scroll down (don't cheat--i'm watching you)

. .. ... .... ..... ...... ...... ...... ..... .... ... .. . .. ... .... ..... ...... .......

. .. ... .... ..... ...... ...... ...... ..... .... ... .. . .. ... .... ..... ...... .......

. .. ... .... ..... ...... ...... ...... ..... .... ... .. . .. ... .... ..... ...... .......

. .. ... .... ..... ...... ...... ...... ..... .... ... .. . .. ... .... ..... ...... .......

..............................................................................................

..............................................................................................

THE ANSWERS

1. You are completely in love with this person.

2. If you choose: Red: You are alert and your life is full of love. Black: You are conservative and aggressive. Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back. Blue: You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love. Yellow: You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

3. If your initial is: A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life. L-R: You try to enjoy life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom. S-Z: You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

4. If you were born in: Jan.-Mar.: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected. Apr.-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever. July-Sept.: You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good. Oct.-Dec.: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soulmate.

5. If you choose... Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change. White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

6. This person is your best friend.

7. This is how many close friends you have in a lifetime.

8. If you choose... California: You like adventure. Florida: You are a laidback person.

9. If you choose... Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your love. And you are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

10. This wish will come true only if you RE-POST THIS BULLETIN in one hour and it will come true before your next birthday!!